Rain, Rain…Go Away!
I had a pretty bad day yesterday. It started out with rain, which I usually love, but haven’t been able to enjoy since noticing a leak in our ceiling. Followed by a rough day at work and a couple of pretty bad mommy moments.
I left one daughter at home to order pizza with her own money, while I attended my other daughter’s water polo banquet.
My phone died right before she received an award and a trophy, so I couldn’t take a picture of her accepting it.
When You’re Raining Tears
I woke up in the middle of the night crying. I’m usually not much of a crier, and I hate missing out on sleep, but every once in while things are just too much and you’ve got to let it out.
I could tell my husband was awake while I was crying, but he didn’t make a move to comfort me or say anything.
He’s unemployed right now, and I wondered if he thought I was crying about that, and if he just couldn’t face that possiblity.
In response I attempted to hold my crying in, which just made things worse. I evenutally ended up curled up in a ball trembling and shaking, with tears pouring down my face.
He eventually put his arm around me and asked what was wrong.
I opened up with him about my insecurities, my shortfalls, my being ever so flawed and human, and hating that fact. After a rough start, we had a great conversation.
He then mentioned his desire to have sex…and I mentioned my continued feelings of unattractiveness.
I try not to dwell on it too often, but the hair loss (you can read more about that here) and the fact that I’ve gained 50 pounds over the last year from medications I’m on gets to me when I’m feeling down.
He then said, “I’m attracted to YOU. Not the package you come in.”
“I mean, I enjoy that package.
“I’m having a hard on right on just talking to you.”
“But YOU…YOU are what’s attractive to me.”
“After your awful day you still took time to talk to your daughter, and I walked in on you guys talking about sexting. Your daughter wants to talk to you about sexting, and how many 15 year old girls feel that way?”
“YOU are attractive to me. Always have been. Always will be.”
“What can I say?”
“You’re a really great fuck!”
I giggled as I wiped snot off my chin with the back of my hand. There’s been many rocky moments in our 20 years of marriage, but 20 years has brought us to this place, and I can’t complain.
I’ve been thinking about ME all day. That ME that is greater than this body and my human flaws. That ME that is attractive, even if I’m not in the physical way I once was.
Seeing Through Christ’s Eyes
Years ago when I was living on an Indian reservation, working as a Mormon missionary (you can read more about that experience here), I used to pray to see people through Christ’s eyes.
To have the unconditional love for people that Christ had. No matter how different they were from me, no matter what their problems or flaws were.
Although I’m not as Mormon as I once was, and see Christ differently than I used to, I still pray to see things with His sight. To love others unconditionally, where ever they happen to be in their life.
And as I think about Me, My Sight, and I,
I am happy.
Happy to spend time with who I am and how I show up in life. Happy to spend time with others who appreciate how I show up. Flawed, but filled with love unconditional (at least most of the time).
My YOU and My ME is Becoming my WE
My circle has gotten smaller as I have gotten older. I rarely spend time with anyone I cannot trust my whole Me, Myself and I with anymore. My “We” happens to be my “YOU” and my “ME” more and more of the time.
I’m at a point in my life where I’d rather spend time with myself than with most other people in the world.
But when I’m spending time with my husband, I’m more than grateful he has that kind of sight that sees my “YOU” and “ME” in their entirety, and loves them wholeheartedly and unconditionally.
A toast to my YOU and my ME, and my very special WEs.